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The Line of my Life
The Line of my Life
What I Always Needed
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There are many time in someone's life where they start thinking about the natural process that occurs. The part where they start to wonder about the vast difference of being able to exist in this miserable world and being able to exist in the world of misery. The question in here is; is there really any difference? People oftentimes confuse themselves with what is and what is not, of what should be and what shouldn't be; they tend to disregard the consequences of the situations which they choose to live their lives with. It's quite a mystery though, why others tend to choose living their life just for the sake of breathing.

I am quite puzzled, quite oblivious of the facts that I never wanted to accept. I started wondering about my life, where I am, where I'm going and most importantly; where I've been. Way back in my yonder years, I thought that I was the luckiest child in the planet. I've had everything, the love and care I wanted. I wasn't selfish though, I never was, what I have is what others must have too; I told myself, most especially if that other is my brother. But that's not the case here...

I thought that I was the luckiest mainly because someone, someone who loved me as hers decided to make a difference in my life forever. She was treated by my innocent life as a mother, complete with all that of an innocent soul could ever offer. I love her, she loved me. I know, because I felt it, I know because she was there, she never left me, and I know she never will; but everything changed when I grew up, everything changed when I started to realize the things that only grown-ups understand... How I wish I'm a child forever, how I wish I never grew more remorse than this, how I wish I'd never have to wonder about this strange feeling I have right now; if I was born lucky or just lucky enough to be born...

It hurts to accept some obvious facts. It hurts to understand. It hurts to know, and it hurts to be forgotten. Life couldn't be as cruel as this I suppose, but it is... I know my faults, where I went wrong and where I am going to be wrong, but all those got me on top. I was happy, I never felt free my entire life, I never felt this feeling; this feeling of wanting to know myself more, exploring the world around me alone. I just wanted to find out if the world was really miserable, or am I being miserable to my world. I tested the waters, but unfortunately when I came back to my senses, the one person that I've always counted on to understand me failed. No one knew what I felt, I never wanted anyone to know; all that I can ever thought of was that the one true person who can really understand me got tired and never cared to be at my side at all; in the most crucial part of me being a whole person... I am incomplete, there's a missing piece to the puzzle in my life, the one piece which only my better understanding holds, the piece I've always been longing for...

For the past years I've lived my life alone. I proved to myself that I can be able to achieve all my goals with only my weapon in hand, even without my armor. For the past years I've proven my convictions to be true, I've accepted the fact that I can never have everything that I want, but what I cannot accept is that I too can never ever have what I always needed; the child in me that once felt to be the luckiest to have lived.

I for once detest the natural occurrence in my life. This shouldn't have been happening if I realized in the first place that making a difference would also mean sacrificing something very different in your life, something that has always been different, something which you have that others don't. Well, I guess for me it was that child who was loved a lot, but decided to go on wandering the world alone. I made a wrong choice that made me complete, the choice which factually makes me happy, the choice that justifies my action to be righteous in all senses. I've had accepted some facts already though, facts which has battered my life, but luckily made me tougher, wiser, and stronger. This is who I am now, it's for the people around me to accept...

The world's a miserable place, I am miserable to my world; which, therefore enables me to make the best out of life. I never was lucky to be born, I was born lucky! I always be, luck is defined by how you choose to exist, it never defines your existence, and it never will decide your fate. I've lived and enjoyed my life for the past years, though I didn't have what I always needed, but somehow I managed to make it through. I've been on the verge of breaking down for so many times already and I always decide to win the game.

Point here is, no one can ever stop you except yourself and if you do not have what you always need, then don't force yourself to have it. People needs many things, but what I need is only a simple understanding that I can always make a difference; just like what my mom chose to do when she first saw me... I do not regret anything in life and I do not blame mom for this misery. I am responsible for whatever things that comes my life now, there's no one to blame... As for my mom, I'm glad she made me feel incomplete in the long wrong, because now I finally completed myself, though alone yet more complete than ever.

"Thanks mom and never forget that I'll always love you, for whatever it is that may have come between us, I never did let it make me forget the light and warmth of your presence. You're just as good, never been better. And what I need in fact is just YOU; you're more than enough and you too deserve to be happy!"

November 13, 2008 | 10:48 PM Comments  0 comments

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