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Crossroads
Crossroads
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I'm Crazy

*for those who would be much in concern of this note, sorry but I have to say this; I have all rights to do so for it just completely messed my life lately...



Oh boy I'm crazy, but this craziness didn't start on me...

Point here is I've taken all the blame on me; admitted that I was wrong when in fact I really don't know what went wrong at all. It's not of me to act this way, you're just a friend, maybe a bit special than the others because of your uniqueness and openness to me; you welcomed me to your life, I give you the credits for that and hell of course you made me feel appreciated. Over a week I fixed my life, hoping that you would understand because you are my good friend, but then you just turned the world upside down for me. I was successful in fixing my life and I was happy, but I never thought you'd start to act strangely on what I did.

I don't have any problems with that though, but because you are so impossibly different from them I tried bringing you back; I turned out to be annoying. I am not committed to you in the first place, but still I impulsively decided to bring down my own house just to let you know how sorry I am and how serious I am in getting things to be better again. You're being a little girl, sorry to say that. I've done my part, pushed myself to the limits, but then again thank you for making me realize that I wasn't being me anymore. I was expecting you to see that, the change you are doing to me; and boy as crazy as I am, you asked me to be who I was. Hope you were more careful of your wish.

I've done my part, being so lost these past few days, not knowing what went wrong and why you acted like I was committed to you; I tried being fair again, but damn you are so unfair. Losing you doesn't mean much to me now, glad you made me realize. I'm not scared to lose you anymore; I'm more scared of keeping you because as obvious as it could be, you are one impossible sissy. So I guess it's the end of the road for us then, I enjoyed my travel with you. I'm not taking this issue farther; the whole world knows I'm the one crazy, not you. None of this should also be taken against you because it was all my decision; you're right, I did make a choice and for the last time I would like to apologize for not choosing you...

If only you've been more patient and understanding, it would not get this far. If only you've not expected a lot from me this wouldn't be this painful. If only you've stayed close, I wouldn't have to let go, and if only you've acted normal then the world wouldn't be this crazy at all... I hate to say this, but I guess it would take more than just false conversations to know who we exactly are to each other. You are a friend to me, please know where to place me; you've definitely been in the right place all along in my life, I just don't know if I've also been in the right place in yours.

It's all my fault still, I'm taking all the blame for it; but I've had enough. You are not my commitment and I definitely am not yours to keep. Thank God I'm crazy because if I were not then I wouldn't know at all where and when to stop.

February 8, 2010 | 11:02 AM Comments  0 comments

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I Am

*on a phone conversation not so long ago with my grandfather and my 2nd mom.
</ originally spoken in Ilonggo, translated for my readers. >

*I'm not a bad person, just not feeling so good while writing this. C'mon, everyone knows how it feels when you're having a conversation like this with your family; the people you've always wanted to understand you.








Lolo: Cord, Corazon told us that she saw you one time moving, swaying, (and f*ck whatever Lolo), like a gay. You know that what I hate most from this family are gay people. Don't you dare Cord or if you must then you'd better watch out. Why don't you find a girlfriend there (for what hell!? To prove I'm not gay?!) and be a real man. What now Cord? Are you, huh?

Me: No. I'm not.

Lolo: Just be sure of it. Be very sure of it.

Me: Ok, I will; but...

Lolo: No buts and ifs.

Me: Ok. Let me talk to mom (not really my real mother, just some f*ckin* life assortment for me.). Hey mommy, why did you tell Lolo what Corazon saw? Look he's already freaking out like a crazy piece of shit. You should've just talked to me instead; you know it's not good for his health! (Damn, I'm one crazy bastard for being the favorite grandson and nephew of the family.)

Mom: Don't worry he'll be fine. Just let it be, I already told him and it already happened. (Oh yeah, thank you very much mom for telling him and go f*ck yourself after we talk!)




Times like these makes me wonder. What the hell is wrong with being gay? Why are we so afraid of them? Why are we treating them like pests in the society? By my own definition of gay people, they are those who feel inside themselves that they are real women; that they were born to be beautiful, pretty, and to be of every man's desire. And that's just not what I feel in myself; as a matter of fact I am very excited to raise a family of my own. I want to have my own family, to raise them properly and to be idolized by my own children (Because I never found family in my own family, my father is a complete bastard, someone whom you wouldn't want to know. I give all credits to my mother, for being the greatest mother the world has ever known.). To not let things get more confusing; my friends who know me very well understands my way of seeing life, of seeing love, of living and loving, and of being me. And for the rest of the world who doesn't know, I just want to share my story.

Let's begin with love, where everything is based and the only reason for my existence. I see love in a very different manner, for me, it is regardless everything. It is not biased and it holds no standard, when I fall in love I welcome it to my life without any buts and because. Before moving on, it is of me already to ask everyone this question when I start talking about my philosophies in life, particularly about this topic: "If one day you woke up and realized that you've already fallen in love with someone (regardless the gender, status quo, etc., regardless everything) what would you do? Would you ignore the feeling because it's not right or would you welcome it just like me because it is what you feel? Now you must choose of course, this is where the true test of bravery comes in for me; when you start to accept the simple facts of life, when you come to accept the world for what it brings you, and when you become more than just being honest with what you feel. So now, where would you place yourself? Who are you in this world? More than a decade has passed already since I answered that question; and I am just more than happy today for who I am, for what I am, and where I am.

I am not denying anything here. I do admit that I have fallen in love already, more than any of you could imagine. I have fallen in love with the opposite sex and of the same sex. I've had romantic shortcomings with both. I've been through a lot. None of it though has ever made me feel regretful because I did not live a single moment of ignorance in my life. I have accepted love for what love is to me, and by that fact alone I can say that it made me stronger, made me truly care others for I have cared for myself more than enough, that I am living my life with sense and direction, and that I know love more than any of you knows it. Not even my family would understand this I know, not even half of you who would come to read this would comprehend; but this is not about you, this is not about what my family thinks or what you think, this is all about me, how I see things, how I live my life, and why I am happy.

To my family, I know they would someday come to understand what has become of me. Eventually they would see the big difference of who they wanted me to be and who I turned out to be. I am independent, I am a free soul, I have a mind of my own, and a life of my own to live. No one owns me, not even myself. I do not fear to let the whole world know for there is nothing to be afraid of. I can take all negative feedbacks from those who would strongly disagree with my beliefs, even my family whom I have been since I first opened my mind and heart to the cruel and unjust world; who I am now, what I am now, and where I am now is something that is just perfectly laid out.

 

I am not gay, the society's eye judge me as one; but I say I just know the best definition of love in its purest form...

*There is nothing much left to share with you people. I wrote this down to let you all know my stand. It is for you to decide now on how you would see things for yourself. I am not a bad person, just a person feeling bad at this moment of time...


I am neither the scientist nor the science of life; I am the discovery.

February 1, 2010 | 1:02 AM Comments  0 comments

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(1) A Daily Dose of Caffeine



Random Quotations from great people.


* While stumbling around, I found an inspiration over the daily things that happen to people like us. I have found out the neaty-greety technicalities of these philosophies which are openly shared by the men of our history. Hope you could take some time reflecting from their wisdom on how you could apply all these to your life; if and when necessary...






  1. Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.
    - Robert Heinlein


  2. I never learned from a man who agreed with me.
    - Robert Heinlein


  3. "Love" is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy.
    - Robert Heinlein


  4. I am a part of all that I have seen.

  5. - Alfred Lord Tennyson


  6. No man ever got very high by pulling other people down. The intelligent merchant does not knock his competitors. The sensible worker does not work those who work with him. Don't knock your friends. Don't knock your enemies. Don't knock yourself.
    - Alfred Lord Tennyson


  7. Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
    - John Lennon


  8. I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
    - John Lennon


  9. A person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.
    - Frank Herbert


  10. Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder...

  11. - Henry David Thoreau


  12. Emergencies have always been necessary to progress. It was darkness which produced the lamp. It was fog that produced the compass. It was hunger that drove us to exploration. And it took a depression to teach us the real value of a job.
    - Victor Hugo


  13. Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
    - Pete Seeger


  14. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
    - John Stuart Mill


  15. When I am traveling in a carriage, or walking after a good meal, or during the night when I cannot sleep; it is on such occasions that ideas flow best and most abundantly.
    - Amadeus Mozart


  16. Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.
    - John Stuart Mill


  17. I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.
    - John Stuart Mill


  18. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
    - William Faulkner


  19. Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.
    - Robert Louis Stevenson


  20. Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
    - Mark Twain


  21. Experience is not what happens to a man, it is what a man does with what happens to him.
    - Aldous Huxley


  22. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolutions.
    - Kahlil Gibran


  23. Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
    - Martin Luther King Jr.


  24. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
    - Mark Twain


  25. To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson


  26. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
    - Martin Luther King Jr.


  27. When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
    - Helen Keller



*quotes in bold letters are some of my favorite.

January 31, 2010 | 7:01 AM Comments  0 comments

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I'm Awake





Favorite scene from the movie "500 Days of Summer"





I thought...

Happiness has been far away of reach for me these past few months. I never expected that I'd get this far by just falling madly in love with a thought that merely broke my heart completely. I have reconciled with myself overnight, understanding all what ifs of life and what could have been; I found everything to be non-sense. Much has happened lately, too much for me had gone completely absurd. I was out of my mind, I was out of my league, and I was totally unfair with just about everything that concerns me and that person. This is insanity that always worked best, but I just realized today that it should stop somewhere to give way for whatever it is that is surprising...


Have you ever felt a longing for someone? A longing that couldn't be cured by that person's mere presence in your everyday life? Unfortunately, I did and I wanted it in my life like a freak wanting to be satisfied by its endeavor. Living life as if you're in fantasy world, dreaming, wishfully thinking, and thoughtfully wishing that everything that is going around you is real. For the benefit of those who have already watched 500 Days of Summer, there is really a certain point in our lives where we intertwine reality with our expectations; where we blind ourselves of the mere fact that the difference we feel inside are not only of our own but are of the other person concerned as well. We all are dreamers, and it is in our nature to dream or to hope whatever things we want in our lives, but then again, most of us, guilty I am as charged; are so inclined to desperation, to desperate wants of making our lives happy even if it would mean lying to "no-one-but-us" as I may say already. We've got no one to blame, it's normal, it's innate in us; but then at the end of the day we also pay the consequences.

No one hurts us but us alone.



I admit that I have been so much into you, so much into wanting you be part of my life. You became the reason for my laughter, for my smile, you were my inspiration, and you were everything that meant the world to me; you changed me somehow and I thank you for that. Now that I have arrived to full contemplation, to every bit of realization that what I felt for you was something out of ordinary; I can easily now sort out what has been-s of us. I lived my life in complete expectation that I would get the same amount of what I have given and it was just so wrong of me. You're all I need and ever wanted, but now I know that it isn't enough to get me going. I've listened to more than enough love songs already that everytime I hear them you're all that runs on my mind; but now, it is entirely a different story. I'm back to reality again, just woke up from a fantasy that I once wished never ended. I am still crazily inclined to you I must admit, the only thing is, now, I am awake!


January 25, 2010 | 9:01 AM Comments  0 comments

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Where Must I Sit?


<door opens> <high school memories> <first love> <first day of classes> <where must I sit?>





http://gandionco.deviantart.com/art/Love-and-Friendship-34131326



Me: Oh bakit?
Friend: Andiyan ba si "<insert name here>"
Me: Tulog pa, bakit?
Friend: Pinaulit nanaman sa akin <insert word here> ina! May papel kaya siya?
Me: Walang papel yun, asa ka pa! Tanong mo siya, gising yan.
Friend: Hoy, "<insert name here>" may papel ka ba?
<insert name here>: hanap ka na lang diyan...





Today, I woke up from a dream that I decided to end; to face my morning with still the sound of your breathe that completely means nothing at all anymore. We both embraced the daylight as we opened our eyes together, I saw your smile, heard your voice, felt the warmth of your presence, but there was again nothing; it was as if everything went blank on an empty space, it felt like waking up from a dream you wished never ended. I held my pillow close to me, hugged it so tight while telling myself, "it feels so damn good to be back!"


There are unexplainable things that happen sometimes when you least expect it. It may be because of destiny, coincidence, or choice; who knows? It's no more than a mutual feeling, something that ends it all, something that makes you realize how crazy you've been for the past days; it's funny, quite awkward to reminisce, but it makes sense, makes you understand what has just happened and why it happened. This too shall pass would be the best advice to give yourself when you're in this state of trance. It's all a matter of choice, a perfect mixture of time, momentum, and self-realization; destiny has nothing to do with it nor coincidence. Everything must happen for a reason and it does. There is really no such thing as nothingness; it is just an exaggeration of what it feels like when everything you thought was falling apart is just really one wrong move you've made in the past. Things change and you have every day to see it.



I woke up today, forgot to take off my smile from last night, very sure of the happiness I feel inside I sat up and stared outside the window again; that was one hell of a ride! I imagined giving myself a pat on the back as I once again lay down to feel the comfort of my bed; I suddenly found you and I were talking just like the good old times. I was dying to tell you everything that happened to my life lately, but I decided not to dwell on the past; not another wrong move to make for me. Instead, I told you about today, about tomorrow, and just about everything there is at my current state of mind.

12:36 pm
.................
..talking

1:00 pm
.................
..talking
...playing Posoydos
...playing Tong Hits

2:00 pm
.................
..talking

3:00 pm
.................
..talking

I was counting the hours, the time we're spending and wasting talking about random things, it felt good; so much better now. It is good to have an old friend back. From then on I made a choice again, a choice which I am positively sure about, I would never dare lose you again, not for a single second, not today, not tomorrow, and not ever. It's the simplicity of you being around and a part of me that really makes me happy, a simplicity that only friendship could withstand; and that is where I must sit with you.



Friend: Hoy maligo na kayo tapos baba na ibili niyo ako pagkain gutom na ako!
Me: Maligo ka na kaya para makababa ka na...
Friend: Tinatamad pa ako.

lagi ka namang tinatamad eh, kelan ka kaya sisipagin? hahahaha

January 13, 2010 | 11:01 AM Comments  0 comments

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